Shattered words - Part 1

Shattered words – Chapter  1

Dear Lightning,

You've been gone for such a long time now. But the pain feels as sharp as the first few minutes when I realized you were really gone. And what a fool I had been before you. What a fool I still am, even if I do my best to be a better man. The bestest man I can be...

I love you Light. Do you know that? You must have understood it during that night we spent together. After that you tamed the beasts within me. As we made love. Cause it was it. It couldn't be anything else that made you strong enough to forgive me and open your arms to the monster I am. Don't try to pretend otherwise. I'm still a monster. You're the only thing making me human. The only person making me real. Making a man out of me. And god, it's so hard to stand your absence. To ask myself where you are. If we can even look at the same stars at night. Do you still miss me? Do you even remember me? Do you remember the good times with me? Do you resent your coming to my world?

All these questions are killing me. I'm looking as snobby as ever on the outside, but deep inside, I'm going mad. I feel empty. Void of purpose. The only thing I have left is my kingdom. And my friends. If they weren't here, I wouldn't remember why I care so much about this kingdom that took every rights away from me.

You may be wondering why I'm writing this down. This was Ignis' idea in fact. He said it'd helped me. But I'm not writing to get over you. Getting over you must be impossible for anyone who'd met you. Whenever I close my eyes, I can still picture your face. Your disapproval. And your rare and beautiful smiles... It helps me in standing all the rest.

I still miss you, Light. And I wonder. I wonder in fear and in hope that someday, we could meet again. If I could stop to live my life, suspend it to give you a chance to get everything you needed done done, so that you could come back to me... But that would be selfish. To force you to come back here... You never belonged here. But does it mean you may never belong with me?

You left with a great part of me. Or maybe I lost myself in you and forget to get back what I had given. I didn't want to take anything back at the time. And I don't miss my heart this much. I just miss... the joy of feeling complete. And right.

I don't really know if I'd want you to read all of this. We never share our thoughts that freely. While I write, I say everything I would usually keep to myself. But I always felt that you could see everything. Your eyes were always so sharp. You knew me better than I did. Maybe I shouldn't have let you come this close to me. But then again, wasn't it what I wanted? I miss your eyes watching over me. Everywhere. Always. In my throne room, I miss your presence by my side. I miss your breathing. Your red cape floating behind you as you walk. Just the noise you made as you walk. You must have noticed, everyone makes a different noise as they walk around, have you? Your way of moving, of walking. I don't want to forget anything. But sometimes, it feels as if I dreamt you up. Otherwise, how could the thoughts still feel so realistic after all those months?

Right, it took me months to start writing. I was scared admitting how much I missed you could erase any of my memories. But they seemed to get clearer when I write. When I give myself the right to remember. Why would I refuse myself to remember you, would you ask? I still feel so guilty Light. And you got to know why. Though, if I can ever meet you, I wouldn't want you to read any of this. Because I betrayed you... Not entirely. My heart and my feelings hold true to every of my words and actions. I still love you with my entire being. And I'll be faithful. At least, I'll try too. But by being faithful, I'm betraying someone else. You gotta know about it already.

Remember I was supposed to marry Stella to maintain peace between our kingdoms? Well, I just married her. Yes, I did. And it feels terrible. Cause there's only one woman occupying my mind. And it's you, Light. How could it be anyone else? Even while she stands right next to me, Stella can't erase my longing for you. Prompto thinks that I'm crazy. Ignis too. As for Scar. Well, I haven't had time to get Scar's opinion on this. I didn't really talk about it with them, anyway. With the wedding and all, I was kept so busy, I couldn't even work or hang out. It was a royal wedding. All the press was over us. We had to rehearse everything. Even a kiss! Royal wedding, my ass!

Man, this went a little farther than I meant it. You see, I'm writing with ink and my mother's old feather. I can't erase a word. Just as I can't erase your memory, or the feelings in my heart. And this wedding was like an ugly farce to all that I feel. I can't even choose who I love. Or at least, I don't have a right to let the world know about it. Anyway, what good would it do me, to yell to everyone around that I'm in love with a girl living in another world? They'd sent me directly to an asylum or something.

You see Light, my life was a lie on many things, but never on something so personal... And I'm hurting Stella, I know it. If I didn't already, I'm going to hurt her.
But pretending that I love her would only be worst. And then, there's the slim chance that you could come back to learn that I've settled myself with another woman. To learn that I forgot you enough to start over with someone else. And I can't.

Darn, here she comes. Good bye Light. I'll tell you more over this later.

...

Noctis had never wanted to sleep in so much as today morning. But Prompto had almost burst into his room, opened every curtains, letting the sunshine in.

"Wake up, man, this is your big day, remember?"

Of course, he remembered. All his friends knew how bitter he was about this wedding. But he still got up. As he exchanged a stare with Prompto, the prince understood how sorry his hyperactive friend was.

"You look like a zombie, Noct."

"The maids will find something to have me looking normal." He retorted.

He didn't want to talk over it. He had been pretty rough and rude with everyone around him since Lightning's departure. He had tried not to, but anything that reminded him of Lightning was like a gift and a knife in the back at the same time.

"Try to be nice with the bride at least." Ignis suggested as he entered the room, already dressed in fancy clothes for the ceremony. "She's a bundle of nerves."

Noctis was nervous too, but somehow, he had done his best to forget about Stella's thoughts and feelings over this. It was just too hard to face.

...

The morning went by so fast, before the young prince had the time to realize it, he was waiting in the throne room, dressed as the groom he was, waiting for his bride to arrive. And something within him wanted to wish and to pray so hard that suddenly, the woman stepping in the room in the white dress would have pinkish brown hair and aqua blue eyes. That her name would be Lightning and that he could say, "Yes, I do" to the priest without feeling so torn inside. But Stella stepped in the room, dressed in black and white. It wasn't her or his choice. It was a custom from Tenebrae. Somehow, she looked scary to him. He tried to see farther, to forget the other woman occupying his mind. But he couldn't. Just trying to forget her one instant hurt... He needed Lightning around. Just in his head. To prove himself he wouldn't forget her as he had forgotten his passed parents. She wasn't just a moment in his life. She was all his life. And though he would share a small part of this life with Stella, it wasn't the same.

The princess walked up the alley and stood next to him. Looked at him, to meet his eyes, but couldn't reach him. No one could at this point. He felt so confused.

A lot of words were exchanged. They made no sense in his point of view. He repeated what he had to repeat like a robot. He tried to smile at Stella as he put the rings on her ring finger. He could barely tell she was touching him as she slid his own rings on his finger. He wanted to run away, but the crown was too heavy on his head. Reminded him of his place. Stella was holding his hand. Her palm was moist from the stress. And her smile was growing fainter by the minutes. And he hated himself. But despite that, he hated all the people around him a lot more. It was their fault if he was living a lie. They had wanted him to stand in this king place. They had wanted peace between their kingdom and had refused to achieve it without a symbolic alliance between two humans who only shared a friendship. Now, they were destroying even that, in the name of peace.

"I hereby declare you united, by the sacred ties of marriage. If you were ever to break your vow..."

Threaten me all you want. I'm breaking one way more sacred vow right now, Noctis thought.
He couldn't look back at Stella's stare right now. Even if her hand was slightly shaking in his. She was scared. Any woman in her right mind would be. She was getting married with the most powerful man in her world. And though they shared the same power and had lived more or less the same life, she felt as if he was a stranger at new.

The rest of the wedding had gone by so fast, Noctis thought time was messing up with him. He had barely eaten anything. Stella seemed to lack appetite too, and they pretended to smile as some of their noble "friends" mocked them for being too stressed. They danced a little. It had nothing to do with a nice dance. It was make to look pretty and perfect. They pretended to talk, being filmed by journalists and looked at by everyone. How could they say anything they really wanted to say to one another, when anybody could hear it? How could he tell her he hated this farce of a wedding, when it was supposed to be the most wonderful day of her life?

At the second dance, she tripped on purpose, because she couldn't take it anymore, and Noctis took the hint. They declared the festivities over. Went to kiss on the balcony, so that every left shots in cameras could be taken over this ultimate proof of peace. The kiss was brief, without any taste. He wouldn't show any passion, not to her. Not because she wasn't worth it, but because he wouldn't let himself fall for anyone else. Missing Lightning hurt enough. And he had promised himself he wasn't moving on.

As they exited the throne hall, the servants rushed to them, to take them to their private apartments. Maids took Stella away from her husband. And he thanked god they did so. Even if it meant something even worst was coming now.

...

It was past midnight when Stella finally dared to show up in his room. Her crown had been removed and she was dressed in a nice and soft wardrobe. The fabric was white and Noctis guessed she wasn't wearing much underneath. After all, they were married now. It was the second part of the tradition. To consume the vows. But it was way too soon. And to his own surprise, Stella didn't walk up to him, simply standing in the center of his room, while he was sitting at his desk.

"Hi." She whispered.

"Hey." He retorted.

Suddenly, he couldn't get angry at her anymore. She was stuck in the same situation as him. Maybe had she a loved one waiting back in Tenebrae? A man who was suffering as much as him right now to be parted from her. What if she did have someone like that? Would she still understand his own position in this situation?

"Quite a crazy day, we had, didn't we?" she shyly asked.

She was playing with a bang of her hair. And Noctis couldn't help himself. He wondered what Lightning would have said if she had been in Stella's shoes. She would have been more direct, wouldn't she? But then again, if it had been Lightning forced to be his wife, wouldn't he be less distant? Would he still love her as he did if he could have her this easily, if he was destined to be with her for the rest of his life? Or were his feelings for her this strong only because of the impossibility to be with her? He shook his head, for himself, but Stella mistook his gesture.

"I mean, it was a nice ceremony..." she tried to cheer him.

"Stella..."

She sighed.

"You know I'm not good at pretending, Noctis. You're unhappy about something, I can at least tell that."

"You're my queen, now, Stella. But I don't want anything else from you. I don't want anything... anything more."

She looked confused.

"It would be to rush things to... ask for anything more right now." She said, carefully taking a step towards him.

"You don't get me right, Stell. I'm not... We can't be anything else than friends. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened between us."

It was done. He had rejected her. He hadn't thought he would be able to tell her that. He wasn't sure if it was the right way to say it. He wasn't even sure if a right way existed anymore. But he knew what he didn't want. And getting intimate with Stella was on top of his list.

"What's that? You mean..."

He stared at her intently, having her blushing.

"This... This won't happen, Stella."

"I didn't come for that!" she snapped, flushing red this time.

She had been forced by her maids to dress like this, because it was supposed to be their first night together. But she sure wasn't ready for this. Not when she felt that Noctis was so pissed of getting married with her anyway.

"Okay... Well, I still wanted it to be clear. We're working towards peace."

"So you're with me by obligation, is that what you want me to understand here?"

Her voice felt less aggressive. Sadder. As he looked at her, he saw her expression. She was really hurt now. But had she any idea how hurt she would be if he tried to love her when he couldn't? He got up, sighing. He walked up to her.
Under the moonlight entering by the few windows of the room, her hair seemed white. She looked like a ghost. And he was in love in a ghost. But it wasn't her.

"I'm sorry, Stell. I need you as a friend right now."

He bit his tongue, realizing this could give her hope on the future. But he wasn't going to add anything that could make her looking even more down. He forced a smile. And Stella managed a smile in response, as he gently grabbed her hands in his. She couldn't resist his mesmerizing blue eyes. No woman could.

"I'll always be your friend, Noct."

"And I'm thankful for that."

He gave her a light kiss on the forehead. It was the more affectionate he could ever be with her. And she understood that he was scared too.

"Goodnight Stella."

It meant, go away, but in a gently way, so she nodded, wishing him goodnight too. And she walked out of the room. After all, it was still his room. Noctis was glad she hadn't been too insistent. He locked the door behind her. Went back to his desk and his new diary.
Light, Light, Light, Light... Writing her name made him feel better.

Oh, Light, if you could only tell me what's going on on your side... I'm here, waiting for a sign, anything. Maybe I've really gone mad. Are you still alive? Did you save your sister? Has anyone hurt you? How could it be, you're so strong. But I'm still worried. After all, you're strong, but I did hurt you. I'm sorry, you know it? But you didn't pardon me. Not that I owed forgiveness. I don't owe much. Missing you should be a gift great enough to face everything, shouldn't it? I'm talking crap again. I should get to sleep. But sleep isn't always a gift, I can tell you.

If you can come and visit me in my dreams, don't hesitate to. I'm trying to fall back on my feet here, but the earth seems to be crumbling under my weight. Stella's my wife now. And I've never felt this far from her. But you're not here either. Maybe am I drifting in another dimension. Not entirely here, but incapable of getting back to you either. I'm stuck anyway...

Noctis gave up on writing. He had to clear up his mind. He went to sleep, still dressed as a groom. Still feeling as a single man. His head was filled with Stella's questioning eyes, Lightning's memories and all the duties he would go back to next morning. He dreamt of another wedding. With another bride. He dreamt of being a simple man, and not a prince or a king. He was thankful that everything was still possible in dreams.

To be continued...